We travel to a Very Old temple with necromancy at my fringes
a tale of perfectly roasted wieners

Dear Diary,

The Lamal people want to see examples of my Wild Magic. (Well, who wouldn’t?) I do some prestidigitation for them because I’m a people-pleaser.

We learn of a temple built 20 years ago to honor the loss of the Heart of the Sea. The consensus of the Lamal people is that this loss was a big tragedy and the Queen sucks. We also hear of a Bardo who has a brother who wandered into the forest. The forest is now not safe (for the past few months) but there’s an old temple in there – very old – plausibly a temple to Ikthay. There’s a really old tree growing in the temple — like the temple was built around the tree kind of thing. It was planted as a source for lapus lazuli.

Goat-friend decides this means we must go into the forest. (I don’t think he likes being told that we shouldn’t do something.) We will go after visiting the town of Gourde, of course.

So now we are on our way going through the woods to Gourde and someone is in the bushes. There are a number of tiny scaled draconian figures, bipedal in nature. A battle ensues and I am a big contributor to our triumph! Victory is ours over the fierce kobolds!

Sila speaks with a dead kobold. (This is now a thing, I guess.) The kobolds worked for a big hunk (a “borc” we infer) from Munch (the capital of Okra) and the secret code to speak with him is “it will rise again.”

We then encounter travelers from the east. “May the dragon bless you,” they intone. By this they mean the god of the river, Lord Op-Su. The blue god was the dragon’s gift to us. The orange dragon is the “golden devil” and “the adversary.” So I guess we know where these people stand on the issues. They tell us that some priests (blue feathers and a diamond pattern) were guarding the path to the temple and warned them off. The priests are protecting people from the temple. “We’ve all heard the rumors,” which are apparently so obvious that they aren’t repeated for us to hear.

Long rest. We camp. We have perfectly roasted wieners.

The next day, we come to a town. There are lots of clerics in blue feathered robes. We reveal that we are on a mission for the Queen. We’re told that we must speak to Grabbo, the head priest. He’s an elder Lamal with impressive head gear: blue diamonds, feathers, lush. Grabbo is surprised the Queen sent us as they have things under control. I let him know that we are prophets and he asks who really sent us. It’s like he’s a mind-reader!

Grabbo confirms that we shouldn’t go to the temple as we will die. I clarify that we are heroic adventurers and we don’t really die in situations where others would. It is in fact the miracles that make us prophets.

WE CHARGE THE TEMPLE!!! AND DIE!!! No, not really.

Obviously goat-friend must go to the temple even more now that someone else has warned us off. And off we go. We notice dried blood on our way to the temple. Sila worries. And Azimar senses evil here.

At last…the temple! Vine and root covered walls. Decay and moss. The canopy of a large tree. Large opening via a gateway. We see an altar with colored panels: green, purple, blue, in a three by three array. Statuary of praying Lamals. Open tombs.

There is arcane magic on the panel. Rhystio suggests hiding in the tombs, but Sila dispels the magic on the panel. I then detect magic in the area and I can confirm that there is now zero magic on the panel (this is probably good?) but necromancy is pricking at the fringes of my range. As it were.

Your devoted student of life,

Azimar is Drunk
Drunk in Love of Restra

We begin in the throne room, speaking with the Queen. She has granted us an audience, despite her fear of us. She fears the unknown, the ignorance of her provincial state and her powerlessness to defend her people from a tiny penguin creature wearing a strange black hat.

Sila casts tongues on Azimar. He speaks and everyone understands. The queen remarks that he is a funny-looking Lamal. She demands that we explain ourselves. We do so, reiterating that we come in peace and that the warship which brought us here was the only means we had to overcome the figurative wall of literal Krakens. Azimar explains his devotion to Restra to the Queen. He speaks of justice and consent. The queen listens and understands. She agrees to treat us as guests in the kingdom and allows us to free our companions from the prison.

We leave the queen and encounter a woman named Ahat. She is intrigued by our mission and wants to introduce us to others who will be interested in what we know and wish to do. We follow her to the observatory where a human and bork are fighting over controls. The language barrier still blocks us, but they give us a magical auto-tune megaphone which allows us to communicate in any language. We introduce ourselves to them and tell them of our mission to resurrect the blue whale. They think we are a little crazy. They assume the whales were mythological. We tell them about the orange whale and how we rode it through the sky and the blue egg under the sea, guarded by a strange flumph with an interesting gender system.

We hear screaming in the hallway. We return to the main chamber where queen is. We hear pleas for help from some villagers. After talking to the queen, we learn that there are reports from a village called Okra of people disappearing in the woods and a foul smell. We agree to investigate.

Before we leave we go to the dungeon to free Jade. Azimar is upset with her for being reckless and unethical. He taunts her with unlocking the cell, but Jade indignantly demonstrates the already unlocked cell door. She leaves the cell and tosses Azimar the keys. Azimar tries to pin her against the wall, but Jade dodges him. Azimar stumbles. Jade accuses him of being drunk.

We head to Okra, motivated by Rarebit’s charisma. We run faster but also while apparently singing a musical. Some guards applaud us. Rhystio picks up an orb found by the guards. He sees visions of the future. There are undead in Okra and a Lamal necromancer. The ship is burning.

We arrive at a chocolate house. Rarebit asks for cayenne chocolate and is promptly insulted.

A wall of cauliflower with lightning
First three days at sea

Dear diary,

We finally got a chance to rest in a proper locale that had a magic dealer and we bought some stuff. Syla has her ooze in its own terrarium now. Major upgrade. I am now wearing a collar that helps control or at least somewhat my Wild Magic moments; Goat Friend has agreed to be the master of the collar and make good choices for me while I am in a Wild Magic state. The collar is fur-lined and very comfy.

Syla assists Francis to teleport home, although we aren’t sure if that worked properly (see below). Also, he left his Gender Cube; we keep it as a memento, where “we” means Goat Friend.

There is no rest for the wicked, though, and we soon departed with Jade and her crew — safely lodged in a gazebo atop the world whale, which Goat Friend has christened Francis, Jr. We are finally heading toward and past the figurative wall of literal krakens, which has been looming over our adventures for some moons now. We are in fact headed toward the source of the Heart of the Sea, and to where another world whale had (?) existed.

We sense some magical disturbance(s) and of note Wild Magic is happening with the casting of all arcane spells AND teleportation is FUBAR. (These symptoms are consistent with the appearance of the dargons, which Nezyl had associated with the appearance of a new world whale some time ago.)


We met Perry, Jade’s first mate, and Jade tells us all about the previous world whale which had an egg. The Heart of Gold’s essence was transferred to the egg, which was taken to a floating island where the egg hatched, hence Francis, Jr. I’m not sure I followed everything but Goat Friend can surely explain it to me if that becomes necessary. (Also, Nezyl had told us, moons ago, that the passing of power from world whale to world whale cause a great imbalance.)

At the end of our first day at sea, the moon rises and the Gender Cube of Francis loses its form and melts into Goat Friend’s hand (I’m sure this was meant to say hoof). Goat Friend puts the Gender Fluid into a vessel, if you know what I mean.


Goat friend is stronger and stupider. On the western horizon, we see a dark thing. Ko, our navigator, says we are running into a storm; Jade presses on. Perry notes that it will burn extra fuel to fly above the storm. We prepare to fly over the storm, despite it looking ginormous and the consequential risk of running out of fuel. Syla’s goddess lets us know that “we need to find a rhythm.”

The storm is like a wall of cauliflower with lightning!

From below, we hear gurgling noises – someone speaking Aquan. Strong words, probably wants to eat us. We rise above the storm and it’s hard to breathe up here; we ride it out for a half day or so.

We lower down again. Babbling may have stopped? We ride below the storm and above the sea, resting overnight.


The main cannon was not stocked; seems perfectly not-normal to me. We press onward anyway. Goat Friend is smarter but uglier today.

Rhystio, Jade, and I totally hear some singing — lovely music. Big discussion ensues where lame-turds who cannot hear the music don’t want to see what the music is all about. Not sure why they are being so ornery.

The airship lurches and dives – stopping the music, which is way-not-cool. A tentacle is grabbing us from below (where else?).

I use a Magic Cannon to focus a Fireball spell toward the tentacle – partially successful! I get a boner – I mean a bonus action – and use a Bolt of True Strike, which obviously hits. Obvi.

Syla is now doing a Suggestion on the tentacle. (That sounds suggestive right there.) Oh, there are a second and third tentacles appearing out of the water. A burbling sound is in our heads: “Where would you like me to take you?” The Kraken (we assume that’s what this is) asks what draws us to the Island of Bleu (a world whale) and if we worship the goddess (yes) and if we follow the tenets of the ocean goddess (no). The Kraken will carry us for the predictable future! Hooray!

I’m sure this is all going to turn out just fine.

Your obedient scribe,

Won't you come for dinner?

(Ignoring that the previous post is missing…)

Hooray, today we took off! Except there’s no engine #3. So we’re just sorta getting by with two. The airship is bumbling along, really. Which is fine by me. I’d prefer it not be in the air at all! Our destination is Sansapia in Burieze, as set by our glorious leader who will probably kill us if we question her, Jade!

Sleep was great. It turns out, if I successfully jerk off I can sleep without too much concern! But I didn’t. But we rested anyway! Hooray!

The goat is now hornless. Apparently because he wasn’t good to his goddess? What a weird relationship. So sad, so tragic.

Turns out we killed the primary navigator in our last battle, so now hornless goat is our navigator. Unexpectedly, goat is able to navigate somewhere between average and good. Worked out in the end.

The rest of the group wandered off to check out the engine situation and stumbled into a group in a broom closet talking about what to do next. For some reason this included the chef.

When we arrived, a gnome was working on engine #3, which is leaking. And oozing. I guess the engine needs to be cooled. They tell me, ’There’s too much heat too fast.’ (According to Sila, who talked with the gnome about this.)

Well, all I know is there’s a tear and a weird ooze – I guess the one francis was fighting on top of the airship? – now burning through the metal. I tried to scrape the ooze into a bucket and it ate through the bucket. Threw the bucket overboard.

Decided to take the child and go to different areas and see what I could find. Found out the ooze is black pudding, and consequently that meant it was created. Except the crew thought it was ours, and we thought it was theirs.

Checked out the armory. It’s full of pointy things and explosive tubes. Neat!

We met with the cook… Wait, Was the ooze created by the cook? The chef wants us to freeze the ooze; it sure seems like he could’ve made it. Well, we froze the ooze and gave it back to him anyway.

At some point the child grew back up again. I… can’t even begin to understand how he works.

Apparently the Chef really takes his work seriously and didn’t take kindly to me calling his food ‘excellent’. So now I’m in some weird bone hands that came out of the floor. I feel like this has gone well. I got invited to dinner.

The five legendary condiments...
Chili, cornbread, Forbidden Rice, and pie

I am writing to you, O my master, to update you on my travels, as I promised I would do from time to time. I have been remiss in not writing sooner, but the good news is that I cannot remember so much of what has happened that a single letter, comprising the events of the last hour or so, will bring you up to speed with what I know.

So, without further context….we advanced toward the very big airship, which was named the Wolfram Alpha. Francis notably communicated with Syla’s breasts; interesting.

I turned invisible to investigate as we heard some sounds (by we I mean me, because I have keen hearing it seems). We encountered some soldiers and had a scuffle and a convo in that order. We sold them on a story that we were a secret taskforce: Wolf Beta Goat. Super great idea! Goat-friend came up with that; he is always so clever. Also I had a wild magic surge (the latest of many; my life) and I now seem to be maybe three years younger. Magic is so magical sometimes, also wild. Then Francis starting trying to sabotage (?) the airship, perhaps undermining our narrative about being a secret taskforce.

Suddenly! A half-elf woman in ash colored robes trimmed in red appears. (A wholesome red. How very.) She is indignant. She’s totally contradicting our story — darn her.

Battle! I use my wand to shrink her. Azamar had some totally non-gay wrestling and grappling. I have no choice but to cast my fireball as a twinned spell, incinerating the archmage/elf and some of her soldiers. They were replaced by some flumphs! Whoa call back!

We hear a disharmonic sound. (I assume discordant but that was the word that was used.) The remaining guards surrender. The barriers are down. Francis is bleeding out. Francis fought the ooze creature (I think I missed this?) and is down to four tentacles. All of his dancing tentacles are gone. We take a moment to wipe away our tears.

We go to the bridge of the airship. We see through a door (?) a heavily armored Pengal (likely male); a robed elven man; and a human woman, scantily clad. “Your evil spree ends here!” they trumpet.

We see a miserly well-horned gentleman in scrappy clothes. We can smell him and he’s a little funky, like unwashed for a couple of days. “Me and my big-ass stick here are here to stop the airship!” he crows.

We have a long convo about relative leadership qualities of Azamar and this new guy, Rhystio. Blah blah blah.

Cliffhanger goes here without long rest. Syla and I are both quite close to death and perilously low on spells.

I am sending this by a very fast passenger pigeon, which is shaped very like…well, that’s another story.


Azimar Cowers at Lemon
Rarebit Debates Possession of Poundcake

The final battle is naked twister.

Francis shakes Azimar’s horns wit his business tentacle to agree on a deal: we will help him return to his home world, provided he aids us in infiltrating the secret base to locate the airship.

Francis has a variety of tentacles for oddly specific purposes.

Francis moves with his pseudo pods not his dancing tentacles

On the 7th floor. Francis gets us past guards. We go to elevator and go to 8th floor

We introduce all the guards to Francis.

Jeffrey cowers at a lemon.

Rarebit debates whether or not he possesses pound cake

We go left following the guards. There is a gargoyle with rubies in his hands. The gargolye fires ruby lasers at us but Francis deflects them with his tentacles.

Behind the statue there is a corridor with an elevator at the end. Rarebit pushes the only button.

“I recognized the superiority of his confidence in this micromoment,” says Francis.

We jaunted.

The lift opens. A hallway of rough hewn stone.

The soundtrack to bowsers inside story plays.

Red lights are flashing. We flow [red] to the left but the hallway terminates. There is a plaque next to a doorway. “The office of Sturkschtudmaiden.” We hear shouting “it’s them”.

We enter the office. Find schematics of ships. Tapestry of big horned winged wolf of lucene. Rarebit casts detect magic. Finds weird gyroscopes. Magical battle axe . Magical liquids that could be solvents . Cutting instruments. Minor wand of repair non living object

Guards attack us. Rice fireballs them. For 35 dmg. They fireball us. Rarebit almost dies. Sila is unconscious. Azimar lays hands on Sila.

Continue down corridor. Follow battle mage. Mage is slain by Rarebit and Sila. Go through door he was going through. To right tall warehouse structure. To left great square, floor cuts away and great big floating airship. In airship dock. Hear shouting intruders.

See two robed guards, two armored guards, and a clay golem. Azimar whips wizard with large throbbing dick. (dangling modifier)

Francis loses his creative tentacle. Azimar double whips a guard.

Biggest airship ever

Board airship

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